Typed up 2 months ago and never published.
This week my family and I laid my grandmother to rest. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions for me since then. I’ve spent nights crying, I’ve had moments where I’ve felt guilty about arguments we had, I’ve been happy for her because I know she’s free from suffering now and I’ve laughed with my family about crazy stuff she’s said and done. I’ve also felt a lot of anxiousness and depression over the last few days. I was in the room when she went peacefully and it was really a “God thing” that the nurse was even here because I had declined weekend visits, but felt like one needed to come out. I was always worried about what I would do when I walked in and found her not breathing so it’s all God that it happened this way. The nurse said something that really resonated with me and it was that we are taught growing up that we have to mourn and grieve a certain way and wear all black to a funeral but really we all grieve in our own way, in our own time.
This is my story and I choose how I will let this affect me. If and when you experience loss, no one can tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve. Life is full of trials and tribulations but it’s through the fire that we are molded. Her passing dealt me a huge blow and it will take me while to get over. My husband officiated her service and mentioned this verse and it’s so fitting and beautiful. ~~For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born, and a time to die. Ecclesiastes 3:1-2
HOW I AM MOVING FORWARD:
I will admit, I’ve been off the last few days but I’m the type of person that likes to have some sort of routine, some sense of normalcy. The goal-oriented Type-A in me wants to reach that goal quickly. I’m trying to keep posting my normal content on Instagram. I’m also fortunate to have a blog and a wonderful, supportive community there where I can write and still have something to keep me busy, creative and distracted. I’ve been spending as much time as I can with my family, keeping in touch and spending time together as much as possible. Having a good support system has gotten me through this and so much more. I also had to immediately get rid of her things. I could not keep them around and have that daily reminder. In order for me to to move forward, I needed to do that. I’m bad about expressing my feelings at first. I have to have time to process them, so I have just needed to NOT talk, mainly because I would cry but I just needed time to be in my head. The reality is I will never get over her passing, I’ll just learn to live with it.
Taking care of my grandmother was a full time job. A job that I was being paid for and since she’s no longer here, my blog is now my only source of income. My husband, of course works but we won’t have that extra income. We’ve decided to stay in our apartment for a few more months, then move to something a little smaller and that will allow me to stay at home with Caden during the summer. So, for now I have to get used to JUST being a stay at home mom and really hustle on my blog. That’s something that I’ve always wanted to do, but obviously never wanted it to happen this way. I may eventually go back to work because thankfully I have a skill and once the pandemic is over it will be easier to find a job.
FAST FORWARD TWO 1/2 MONTHS!!
I wrote those first few paragraphs a few days after my grandmother’s passing and my emotions were so all over the place, I didn’t publish it. If you are new to my blog, I quit job in November 2019, moved my grandmother in with me and she passed six months later. An update on my life as of July 5, 2020 goes like this…
We were living in a pretty large 3 bedroom apartment but since we didn’t need that much room anymore (and to pay that much rent) we decided to downsize to a two bedroom and stay in the same apartment complex. We love it here and are in an up and coming part of town and the elementary school is right down the road. On June 13th we moved into our 2 bedroom! We can actually walk to the pool now 🙂
I still needed a job. Yes, people do make a career out of blogging and I could have done that but honestly that is NOT my dream. I absolutely LOVE what I do as a fashion blogger and I have worked my booty off to get where I am but my main love is in healthcare. I wanted to go back to work but not full force! Before when I was working, I felt like I was going through the motions and dreaded going to work Monday morning. I wanted something where I could go back to work but not so many hours. That way I could still be at home with Caden and still continue to put in the work to monetize my blog. One day, while scrolling Facebook, one of my former co-workers posted that any lab techs needing a job to contact her so I sent her a message and the job description was absolutely what I was looking for! Four days a week, paid holidays, a small doctor’s office with one doctor, great hours…I could not have asked for better. On June 22nd, I started my new job making more money than I’ve ever made at any job, the doctor I work for is wonderful, it’s close to my apartment and my co-workers and boss are so sweet and helpful!
My husband, Todd was sent home to work because of COVID and is still working from home, so I don’t have to worry about childcare during the day, which I know is a struggle for most families. I know in my heart that I did the right thing by taking in my grandmother and giving her the best possible life I could. It’s still hard to type this without getting emotional. I do feel very happy and like a fresh start with a new job and new apartment. You really never know what can happen in just one year.